five moments (johndes)
by steelatom
Summary: five moments that led up until one of the greatest regrets of John Constantine's life. [Des/John, angst]
1. one

**Author's note; this chapter contains non-graphic smut, and this whole story contains spoilers for DC's Legends of Tomorrow season 4**

"The first night they spent together, John couldn't help but acknowledge how gentle the other man was; it was much more than he was used to, normally his escapades with others were fast, violent, and then filled with immense regret, but with Desmond, it was different.

"Are you okay?" the barman murmured, his thumb skirting over John's cheek with an unfamiliar tenderness as they moved together.

John looked confused, since they had crashed into this room together, he hadn't expected this. When was the last time anybody ever treated him like anything other than the piece of shit he was?

John nodded, "I'm fine." and when Des canted his hips forward, driving himself deeper inside the Brit, he gasped softly, "Shit. It's good."

"Good." Des' lips touched his cheek, his neck, his temple.

He was everywhere at once, and yet John still wanted more, his hand gripping the other man's shoulder as he groaned embarrassingly loudly into the gap of his shoulder.

"Fuck." he murmured, "D-Des, I'm-"

Des panted, nodding, "Me too."

"Shit, love..." John's gasps built up into a crescendo until he breathily cried out against Des' skin, coming over both of their stomachs.

As he came down, he trembled, vaguely registering that Des had also climaxed and was now pulling out of him. He barely noticed the other man clean him up as he shivered, basking in the fact that he had ended a sexual escapade without wanting to run for once.

When Des returned, he put an arm around John's shoulder and pulled him close, the smaller man tucking under his arm perfectly. Des ran a hand up John's side, noticing that his mind was elsewhere.

"You okay, Johnny?" he asked, tilting John's chin up.

John nodded, "It's just... everythin' I told you..."

"It's okay." Des kissed his forehead, "I'm here. I'm not leaving you."

John scoffed, "You're bloody mental. I've done shit that would make you hate me."

"Hey..." Des' voice remained as soft as always, and John wondered if it was actually possible for the other man to get angry, "Never going to happen."

John sighed shakily, "C-Can I just stay with you?"

"Of course you can." Des leaned down and brushed his lips against John's softly, "Let's get some sleep, okay?"

John smiled, gazing up at Des, "Sleeping is good. Although..." the smile soon turned into a salacious, familiar grin as he attempted to move past his vulnerability.

"John Constantine, you are incorrigible." Des said, grinning as he pulled John back into another kiss, this one more tongues and gasps for air as the two locked back into one another.


	2. two

Mornings after with Desmond were things John Constantine looked forward to; waking up to see the other man grinning, having watched him sleep, it inspired a kind of peaceful bliss he hadn't felt since... well, ever.

It almost made him feel like after Astra, he was being allowed to move on. Like someone somewhere had decided his punishment was over.

He was happy, for the first time in his life, and he wouldn't let anything take that happiness.

One morning, the two found themselves entwined in a passionate make-out session on the kitchen table (when they were in the mood, they were just like a duo of horny teenagers), and John, being as macabre and downbeat as he was, couldn't help but think about how everything in his life would end up in ruin.

He thought of Chas, and how his entire life had been ruined by him, he thought of Gary, of Zed, of everyone he had cursed.

Saddened, John pulled away, "Wait."

Slightly taken off guard, Des asked, "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah." John lied, "I'm just... I just... Bloody hell..." he stroked Des' cheek, "I just bloody adore you, alright?"

Des gave a soft laugh, and John felt his heart leap, "I adore you too." his eyes searched John's face, "What's this over?"

"It's nothin'." John shrugged, "I just... I usually pride myself on walking this path alone, but now? I don't know if can imagine life without you in it." he gave an uneasy laugh, "It's a bit bloody terrifying if you ask me."

Des' hand saught his, "I get scared too."

"You're good at hidin' it." John replied, "I used to be, but somethin' about you... it makes me vulnerable."

Des squeezed his hand, "Being vulnerable isn't always a bad thing, Johnny."

"It usually is for me." John admitted, "Everyone in my life leaves, especially when I get vulnerable. And I bloody hate it."

His boyfriend cupped his cheek, "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."


	3. three

"Living a life like John Constantine did often brought his trauma, and he could count on one hand the amount of peaceful sleeps he had since the situation with Astra. Often, in the throes of slumber, he'd see her sad eyes, hear her terrified pleas, and it would cause him to wake up screaming.

Before Des, he would throw up alone in the bathroom then drown his sorrows in a bottle, knowing that if he could get drunk enough, he'd simply just sleep through the dreams (part of him knew it could kill him, and part of him welcomed it).

However, he had someone to live for now, someone who was always at the ready when his trauma came back to haunt him. He hated discussing his dreams, but knew that Des was stubborn and wouldn't give up on him, even if it was what was best for him.

"John..." the man's soft voice chided as John convulsed in bed, screaming and crying Astra's name, reliving every brutal moment, "John, you're having a dream."

John jerked upwards, straight into Des' arms as his eyes flew open, stiffening as he gathered his bearings.

He wasn't in Hell, just he and Des' apartment, the same place where he had stayed for three months now. He felt Des' arms tighten around his trembling form, and he choked out broken sobs, attempting to gather himself.

It took a few moments, but he finally calmed down and pulled away from Des, feeling like he was going to throw up.

"You okay?" Des asked, then cursed under his breath, "Bad question." his fingers trailed over John's forearm, "Do you need to go to the bathroom?"

John shook his head listlessly, "It was a dream."

"About Astra?" Des asked, taking John's hand, "It wasn't your fault, John-"

The blond snapped, "Don't. Look, I don't bloody want to talk about it."

"That's fine." Des squeezed his hand, "You don't have to if you don't want to. But I'm your boyfriend, you can tell me anything."

John shook his head, "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" the other man looked confused.

John replied, "Care about me. My soul's already bloody damned to hell, and yet you make me feel... well, loved."

"I do love you, John." Des said, adamant, "Hey. Look at me." when the blond did as he was told, he continued, "You really don't believe you deserve it?"

John shrugged, "I don't."

"Well, that's bullshit." Des stated, "You deserve love just as much as anyone else."

John shivered, "I sent that little girl to hell, Des. I damned her." his voice was bitter, as if he was holding back tears, "I couldn't take it, so I booked myself into a mental hospital. Sometimes I think I still belong there."

"Johnny... you've suffered so much trauma in your life..."

John laughed humorlessly, "So you admit I'm a headcase?"

"No, because you've done good too." Des cupped his cheek, "You saved Sara Lance's soul, helped her when she was possessed. You have done so much to atone for it, okay? It's okay to feel guilty, but you can't let it consume you."

John's eyes filled with tears, "God, you always know what to bloody say... You're the best boyfriend I've ever had."

"Well, I love you. I will always love you, no matter what." he pressed his lips to John's temple, "Even if you are a master of the dark arts."

"'Petty dabbler'." John corrected, "Since when were you a therapist, anyway?"

Des pulled back and shrugged, "I'm a barman, it's my job to help people with their problems."

"Doubt you've met anyone as fucked up as me." John commented.

Des shrugged, "Eh. I once met someone who discovered her husband was a closet brony, so 'petty dabbler' is pretty tame."

"What's a brony?" John looked confused.

Des scoffed, "Yeah, I'll not ruin your innocence with that one."

"Innocent?" John smirked, "I'll show you ruddy innocence!" he grabbed the back of Des' neck and pulled him down into a passionate kiss, parting only for breath, their foreheads resting against each other, "Hey. Thanks."

Des smiled, "Any time."


	4. four

It broke John's heart when he realised that as long as Neron was chasing him, Des wouldn't be safe. Breaking the news to him whilst hiding out in a church wasn't quite how he had imagined it, but things for John Constantine never really went according to plan.

He saw Des at the alter, eyes skimming over the details of the woodwork, and John couldn't help but think of the future he'd imagined with Des. He had never been a marriage, kids, grow old together kind of guy, but for Des, he would change anything.

That future seemed so far away now, and all he could see, if Des were to stay with him, was him losing yet another person he loved.

Breath trembling, John approached Des, tapping his shoulder. The wide-eyed look he was met with only made it more difficult to say goodbye.

"Johnny..." Des' voice was gentle, and his thumb brushed John's cheek, "What's wrong?"

John pulled away from his boyfriend's touch, and though it hurt to even speak, he began, "Des... you, uh... you have to leave town." barely even stopping for breath and finding it hard to look at him, he continued, "There's this... thing that's after me, it's no ordinary demon."

"You can't expect me to-" Des looked like he was going to cry for a brief moment, breaking off.

John felt like being sick, like he wanted to take back everything he said and wanted to be in Des' arms again, just as he was the night previous, before he had ran into Neron once more.

John murmured, "Please." his eyes were pleading, conveying just how difficult it was for him to say this, showing that it was literally killing him to say goodbye, "I won't lose you too. I can't. Just listen to me and please leave town."

There was a moment where it was only the two men's trembling breaths, both holding back tears, and Des reached to unclasp the chain around his neck.

He held it out for John, "This medallion has been in my family for generations. It's imbued with a protection spell."

"I'm not-"

Des interjected with a plea, "Take it, Johnny."

"As long as you promise..." John's eyes filled with tears, "to leave town. Just until I get this mess sorted, alright?" there was clear desperation in his words, and all he wanted to do was kiss Des and stay with him forever.

Des gave an understanding nod of agreement, holding his own emotions back to comfort John, "Alright."

John took Des' hands in his and took the medallion, giving a shaking smile, "Alright." his eyes wandered up to search Des' face, "I'm so sorry about all of this."

"Hey..." Des' hand cupped his cheek and he brought their foreheads together, "It's okay. I understand. Look, I love you, okay?"

John didn't say it back, instead grabbing Des by the back of the neck and pulling him into a final, bittersweet kiss, tears falling down his cheeks. When he pulled back, the other man had a pained, desperate look in his eyes and John wrapped his arms around him tightly.

"I'll see you again." he promised, "And we'll be together."


	5. five

John couldn't explain all the emotions that rushed into his body when he realised what Des had done.

Anger. Hurt. Betrayal. Sadness. Grief.

He had begged the stupid, romantic fool to leave town, yet instead, he had decided to sell his soul for the sake of John's.

Of course, Neron would be lying, and would take Des' soul anyway, as well as John's.

Yet seeing Des' face as he fought Neron was something that shook him to his core.

"You can't kill me, Johnny." Neron mocked, wearing the man he loved's face like a Halloween mask, "You'd be killing him."

John cried, "You let him go, you bastard!"

"Oh, but he wanted this." Neron growled, "He was begging me 'Spare Johnny, save Johnny, I love Johnny'! Quite pathetic, really. I never thought you'd fall for such a moron, John."

John's eyes filled with tears, "Please, let him go. I'll do anything."

"He's already gone, Johnny." Neron laughed, hysterical, "You can't save him, he's already dead!"

John's breath trembled, "Then I suppose I have nothing left to lose."

"What?" Neron looked confused, then John began chanting, "No, no you don't!"

John continued chanting, voice trembling, hands lighting on fire as a portal began opening in the brick behind the demon.

All of a sudden, the demon slipped away as Des' body began to dissipate, and John was facing his boyfriend once more, only this time, the demon was inside him.

"Johnny?" Des' eyes filled with tears, "What's happening? What's- ahh!" he cried out in pain as more of him began to disappear, "Johnny?"

John's vision blurred with tears, and he could barely speak, continuing to chant his spell, knowing he had no choice but to destroy Des alongside Neron, to protect New Orleans.

"I'm sorry." he mumbled, wincing as Des began to burn up and turn to ash, disappearing into the hellfire, "I'm so sorry."

There was a flash of light, and all of a sudden, John was left alone. He fell to his knees, exhausted both physically and spiritually and his eyes fixated on the spot where Des had stood, had cried, had been so confused.

He didn't even realise what was happening until too late.

John didn't realise how hard he was crying until a splitting pain came across his forehead. He screamed, punching the ground beneath him until his knuckles bruised and bled, knowing he deserved every minute of pain.

Flashes of memories, their first time, Des edging John towards his climax, all the time they stayed up listening to old punk music, even the hard times.

All gone.

Des was gone, and John didn't know how to live with that.


End file.
